INTIMACY AS A SINGLE WOMAN

What is the first thing that comes to our minds when we hear this word? Is it not true that our minds inmediatly click Intimacy with a marriage relationship? Why? What do we expect from an intimate relationship? Have you ever felt lonely and almost trying to convince God that you need a husband? Please let us raise our hands if you have ever been there. Have you thought: a wife has her husband and a husband his wife? So, what about me? In my case I felt so when I moved to Belize I was feeling so lonely, away from my old friends, not able to keep in touch with them as often as I wanted and looking at Angel and Fatima (our Church’s leaders and also Missionaries) and saying to myself exactly: - “Angel has Fatima, and Fatima has Angel” God do something for me – feeling bitterness for I did not have a good spiritual male friend near to me and all my old ones where far away – feeling a huge distance from everybody around me? Not feeling the love of any of them.

What about you? How are your relationships today?  Do you have intimate friendships? Do you feel you need a family? What are the inner longings of our hearts? Are they romantic love, marriage, motherhood?

1.            MEANING OF INTIMACY

If you surf on the Internet you find a vast amount of articles, definitions of Intimacy – Wikipedia.com reads that Intimacy varies from relationship to relationship and that it has more to do with rituals of connection. Intimacy requires empathy - the ability to stand in another's shoes and that it is both the ability and the choice to be close, loving, and vulnerable.  It is to know someone in depth, knowing many different aspects of a person or knowing how they would respond in different situations, because of the many experiences you've shared with them. Also it clarifies how Secrets are generally hostile to intimacy in a committed relationship, but not knowing of the existence of a secret, one can continue to believe there is intimacy.

Each of us has five significant parts in our lives. We have the physical, the emotional, the mental, the social, and the spiritual. All five of these parts are designed to work together in harmony. In our search for intimacy we want the solution today, or yesterday. One of our problems is that we want "instant" gratification. Today, the word intimacy has taken on sexual connotations. But it is much more than that. It includes all the different dimensions of our lives -- yes, the physical, but also the social, emotional, mental and spiritual aspects as well. Intimacy really means total life sharing. And haven't we all had the desire at one time or another for closeness, for oneness, for sharing our life with someone totally?

The most we look for in life it’s to love and be loved –do you agree with me? and in that search of Intimacy is that many have failed and give in to the thrills of Satan. How many sisters have you seen falling away because of a man? And how most of them have ended up living in inmorality? Or in a hurry they just settle, married someone and a little bit later facing a divorce?

When the need for intimacy in a relationship is not met, we look for an "instant" solution and where do we look? It's the physical. It is easier to be physically intimate with someone than to be intimate in any of the other four areas. You can become physically intimate with a person of the opposite sex in an hour, or half-hour -- it just depends upon the urge! But you soon discover that sex may only be a temporary relief for a superficial desire. There is a much deeper need that is still unmet.

About Physical Intimacy

Hosea 3:3

We know that God made Hosea to married a prostitute just as an example of the relationship of himself with Israel. Hosea and his wife were separated and God sent him to show his love for her again and told her so.  Don’t you think this is also for us today?? now we are part of the people of God, adopted daughters whom as Single Women of God, referring to physical intimacy it’s a very clear about his expectation for our lives. We are to be pure in our bodies as it’s his Temple: 2 Corinthians 6:16

God created each of us with a longing for intimacy -- but intimacy with Him. We must, therefore, come to some understanding of what He is asking of us and what He is offering. We must come to the realization that we were created to fellowship with our Creator.

2.            INTIMACY IN OUR RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD

Marshall Hodge wrote a book called Your Fear of Love and in it, he says, "We long for moments of expressions of love, closeness and tenderness, but frequently, at the critical point, we often draw back. We are afraid of closeness. We are afraid of love." Later in the same book Hodge states, "The closer you come to somebody, the greater potential there is for pain." It is the fear of pain that often drives us away from finding true intimacy. There is no such thing as "painless love”. To have intimacy we need to make the decision to love and for us to experience this kind of love in relationships we need to first experience God's love for us. You can't consistently demonstrate this kind of love toward someone if you've never experienced being loved in this way. God, who knows you, who knows everything about you, loves you perfectly.

Do we agree that any relationship requires careful and regular attention? In and the same is true of one’s relationship with God. Throughout the Bible, one person after another had a believing, struggling, singing, shouting, protesting, etc., relationship with God—and the protesting was often the greatest show of intimacy, because it showed how much God meant to the believer.  How is our relationship with our God today? Are you investing time and careful and regular attention to it? Do you actually protest to God?

Jeremiah 31:3

God has loved us with everlasting love, my sister; do you actually feel that love? How engaged are you in your relationship with your God?

It is God's desire that His daughters grasp His love and develop a life of confidence in Him as a result.  I personally have been through that painful moment where I was not feeling the love of God, my heart after not being open grow cold and hard and I became aware of it until I found myself not being as loving as I used to be and neither feeling as loved as I used to feel. As woman we desire love more than any other thing in the world. Is there any romance in our relationship with God? Or are we waiting to be married to experience that fulfillment in our lives? Do you daydream about God? Is his love really distracting you? Do you think of Him day and night to indulge in His Presence constantly? How much do you really desire God? How is it every morning when you get up to pray? Is it that you “have to” or “want to” do it? We need to experience in reality God's love, His character and faithfulness. 

Secret of the alabaster jar

Mark 14:3-6 How you ever wished to be this woman? Why?

In the days Jesus was on earth, the tradition was that when a young woman reached the age of availability for marriage, her family would purchase an alabaster jar for her and fill it with precious ointment. The size of the jar and the value of the ointment would parallel her family’s wealth. This alabaster jar would be part of her dowry. When a young man came to ask for her in marriage, she would respond by taking the alabaster jar and breaking it at his feet, this gesture of anointing his feet showed him honor.

So in her case, imagine how long had she been saving her jar? Luke 7:37 describe her as someone who had lived a sinful life (meaning she has changed) so maybe there was no man interested in marry her and received that honor from her; she was still single and with her jar, and what she did for the disciples was such a waist that they rebuked harshly but for our Jesus she did such a beautiful thing that he said whenever the gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told, in memory of her and it has been fulfilled!!! I guess we all in our different countries have heard of her…Imagine the offered to Jesus what had been reserved only for her future husband, she had dreams and wisely broke her alabaster jar in the presence of the only One who can make a woman’s dream come true.

Dear sister even if you get married, without having intimacy in your relationship with God you will still feel lonely and unhappy, you deepest need still won’t be met. In My case, when I was trying to convince God that I needed a husband as I went closer to him he convinced me I did not need it, I don’t need a husband and thought me that the only thing I needed was to give my heart back to him and the spiritual family that surround me .

Also the Bible says:

Ø       Isaiah 54:5 He is my husband!

How do you feel about his scripture? What would you like your husband to say about you? What kind of wife are you being? Are being faithful and devoted? Sisters we have the most wonderful husband!! We are singles but still married to God!!!

Ø       Matthew 7:21-23 It’s not an option Jesus wants to know us. Are you keeping secrets before God? How honest and open are you being with him? Are you talking to him from deeply in your heart? Are you allowing him to be the center of your life? Your all? Let’s remember Jesus did not die on the cross for us to have a MEDIOCRE relationship with God.

My sisters, having a true intimate deep relationship with God is richly fulfilling. Without this primary relationship being intimate, it is clear we will have an inability to try to be spiritually intimate with others. 

I want to leave you with a thought:

.  "A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek Him in order to find her."  Barbara Ries.

Sister I pray if your heart it is not lost in God, it will be!

3.            INTIMACY WITH THE FAMILY OF GOD

Who is our family?

Luke 8:21

Most of us are no longer leaving with our parents but still singles, with or without children. In Jesus, we have the perfect example of a young, single servant of our God who left his family to proclaim the Kingdom of Heaven - his immediate family became those who hear God’s word and put it into practice. Maybe we have been waiting to have our own families since long time ago so what should we do? We got to learn from Jesus’ heart and his relationship with his disciples, how close they were to his heart, but how this happen?

Spending time with each other - Mark 6:30-31

How can we apply this to our lives? If we look around us we truly have enough people surrounding us with who we can share our victories, anguish, problems, and the deepest of our hearts. How can be there a close relationship without spending time together?

Loving and forgiving each other - Colossians 3:13

What happen after a while that you’ve been investing your time and resources in building a friendship?, are not we reminded of the fact we are all sinners and imperfects so are our relationships and the closer you get to someone we get to know better his/her qualities but the character flows as well and it’s easier to get hit by their sins, mistakes, bad attitudes, etc. in those moments, what have been our attitudes and further decisions, have we decided better to stay away and not to give your heart so you don’t get hurt, maybe you feel you have been giving to much already? God knows how we’re that’s why he is telling us to bravely accept or deal with those who are of have been unpleasant to us for what they did or said. According to God’s description of love in 1 Co 13: patient, kind, not envy, not boasting nor proud, not rude nor self seeking, not easily angered nor keeping record of wrongs but it always protects, trusts, hopes and perseveres; so we need to learn to love as God does to be able to have intimate friendships with other members of the spiritual family. When we truly love it does not matter how much we have been hurt we forgive.  How can we know if we love? If we are forgiving. God knows there is grievance but we are called to forgive as we have been forgiven. Also in our prideful nature it’s so easy to point to other mistakes but we are to take our own responsibilities before God and to be willing to start over every time we need it, as disciples of Christ we can not allow divisions in our hearts.

EVERY TIME WE GET HURT AND WE DECIDE TO LOVE AGAIN WE ARE BEING JUST LIKE JESUS! WHAT A PRIVILEGE!!! LET’S FOLLOW THE EXAMPLE OF THE LORD AND SAVIOR OF OUR SOULS!!!

Serving each other:

Ephesians 4:11-12. Are we really giving what we are able to give? As Singles, we have the privilege to give more of ourselves our time to the lost, to support our married couples babysitting their kids, having fun and doing all we do for the glory of our God.

Galatians 6: 1-3 We need to be there for each other in our times of weaknesses, to carry with each other burdens, it’s not the attitude to run away from them when are in problems and it’s not talking about consenting each other’s sins no, but to help each other to build up spiritually. It’s so easy to love when we can receive also from someone rather our love and friendship should not be conditional.

I am from Nicaragua and over there I became a disciple 7 ½ years ago where I spent my first 4 1/2 year. I came to the Kingdom not having close friends for I did not use to trust in anybody, but after one week studying the bible I was baptized and for me was to discover that precious pearl, I learned here are the people I was looking for and God blessed so much with so many real and deep friends, sisters that became as blood sisters to me and despite the time I has been away it’s always so special to visit them and enjoy of the intimacy we have. But also I dreamed to be a Missionary God also blessed me with the opportunity to go and serve him in Belize where I have been since 3 years ago. Belize has been like my promise Land, I have seen so many spiritual blessings and dreams coming true, like to be here right now being used by God to get across his message to you. However, it was not an easy task to start to build the same kind of relationships in Belize. The culture is very different and the type of personalities and background were very new in my life. I came to Belize from being the loved one to be the one to love; I was used to receive so much over there and have been such a life changing experience to learn to love unconditionally and to forgive. I have 2 years living with 3 other single sisters and with one of them I have had the hardest moments for our differences in character, moments that I have felt so mistreated and at one point instead of being spiritual enough to help her I allowed my heart to harden and even feeling resentful. Nevertheless, God is a God of mercy and he showed me my faults and has helped us to work out our differences, to start all over again and to learn to love each other deeply.

Also, have you ever dated in the Kingdom yet? How has been or was your experience? How is or was your heart after that? Was it broken? Are you ready to love again?

To build family in the Kingdom really requires a heart fully devoted to God and not only a half devotion because we are living our days as something is missing for the fact that we don’t have a boyfriend/ husband nor kids. Let’s invest our resources in building relationships, spending time, loving, forgiving, helping each other trusting in God to learn to trust in your spiritual family also to be clear how with our sins we can destroy the family of God.

Intimacy with the sisters

2 Samuel 1: 26

It is so inspiring to read about the relationship between David and Jonathan,

I will never forget the first service I went to after I had started to study the bible. It was Valentine’s Day; the class was about their love for each other. Up today it’s really a high standard for my relationships with the sisters. with our hearts in God we don’t have to be afraid of loving our sisters – For me after now I am so happy and grateful for my sisters and family in Belize, and with my household.

Intimacy with the brothers

1 Timothy 5:1

We can have great healthy relationships with our brothers without having to be interested in him or him with you but just as brothers in total purity.

If we really love them, we need to watch after their spiritual lives, can they count on you to be spiritual?

1 Corinthians 8:13 But it’s very important to remember we need to  have healthy boundaries within the relationship so that you don't cause each other to struggle; such as, be careful about the things you discuss just b/c you are close. Let us not get so comfortable with hanging out alone with him just because you are not interested in each other etc.

Conclusion: Not because we are single, does not mean that God does not want you to experience Wholesome, healthy and intimate relationships. They are still available to have but just in a different way – in a spiritual way!

TO GOD IS THE GLORY!

Hi Tania,

Can you remember a time when you felt totally LOVED? Can you remember a time when you felt totally LOVED? Go back to that time. Remember how it felt? Reexperience these feelings in your body now? As you remember that time and feel those deep feelings of LOVE, is it absolutely necessary that a person show you LOVE by buying you things, taking you places, or looking at you in a certain way? Is it absolutely necessary that this person show LOVE in this way for you to feel totally LOVED? Am curious because we really want to fill your needs. How often does someone have to demonstrate he's good before you're convinced? (a) immediately (eg if they demonstrate that there good at something once you believe them (b) a number of times (two or more) (c) over a period of time few weeks or a month or a year (d) consistently

6 Step

Reframe

6. Have part responsible for behaviour, assume responsibility to actualize ALTERNATIVE behaviours, and EXPERIENCE the behaviour as changed.

5. Congruency check: Are there any objecting parts?

4. Have the creative part, in conjunction with part, in conjunction with part responsible for behaviour, find 3 other ways to get the benefits.

3. Discover the BENEFITS (that may not be available to the conscious mind).

2. Setup a signal system

1. Access the part of the person that has been responsible for the behaviour

Sat down after reading Tony Robbins book and he suggested to list your hierarchy of values and apply to your relationships, family, etc for example.

Love 3

Ecstasy 13

Mutual communication 12

Respect 10

Fun 5

Growth 9

Support 2

Challenge 8

Creativity 11

Beauty 7

Attraction 6

Spiritual unity 14

Freedom 1

Honesty 4

As guy with options am looking for a wife and want to have a successful marriage, it's kind of like shopping for a house according to Dr. Phil, it's a 80/20 rule... look for 80% of what you want and put up with or ignore the 20% that you don't like. So if INTIMACY is high on your priority list get to know brothers that INTIMACY is high on their list as well. Am not a dating guru but have done enough reading on both sides. Yes men read, and yes there are men that are looking for committment and marriage, are you looking for someone that is strong and sensitive or someone who is flexible? I'm tired.... appreciate your views. Talk to you later!

Hello Tania,

Really appreciate your thoughts on intimacy as a single women.  I always wanted to have the heart that the women had with the alabaster jar and I seek after it - after all isn't that what it's all about anyway.  The background of the story really helps me to get there.  I am a single mother due to divorce - being single is not the worst thing that can happen to us but missing that most intimate relationship with our precious Lord and Savior is.  If we can have intimacy with Jesus first and foremost all the other intimate relationships will fall into place.  We are always so afraid of being hurt and of the pain that it causes but when we choose to be intimate in our relationship with God we can handle our relationships with man with spiritual eyes and are able to be like Jesus who forgave all the time.  I am enjoying being single now more than ever as it gives me the opportunity to be even more like Jesus because I get to spend more time with him and there are not so many distractions.  I see being single as such a blesssing and full of opportunities to please God and help others to do the same!!

Thank you for your sharing - really inspired me!   

Thank you for this marvellous lesson! It really got to the point with me.

I long to have intimate relationship with our Saviour. But can you please help me udnersand how you do it. I mean, I know all the extracts about God's faithfulness and love and mercy. But knowing and feeling are quite different.

Please, borthers and sisters, I need your help: how does one transfers awareness into experience? How to know God by heart, not by mind?

Lately, He feels so far away from me, though I know He is always close. I try to focus on His Word and not on my feelings which are not trustworthy but... It makes less and less sense to me.

It's not that I'm going to give up, I hope not! But would appreciate someone's help.

Dear Tania,

Your message is a blessing and I am so much blessed to have a sister like you who is undoubtedly led by the Holy Spirit to preach the deeper conviction on Intimacy as a Single Woman. I have two points to share in response to your awesome message. First, i want to share about my conviction and experiences as a single woman. Second, i want to share the  conviction and experiences of the single women who shared their lives with me all through out my Christian Life. These women may share the same conviction and experiences of the single women populace and their view of single women intimacy.

Intimacy is associated with relationship and we cannot deny that it is common to refer intimacy with the men and women relationship. I will refer to intimacy here in the level of men-women relationship because i believe if we cannot settle  at this level we cannot go beyond our understanding of the higher level which is the single woman-God relationship level.

I would say I have the same conviction as yours with how you articulate single woman  intimacy. But I honestly I never gained that conviction overnight in my whole Christian Life. I have been to several struggles, disillusions and misconceptions before I was clothed with the true meaning of single woman intimacy.  I'm one of those who  came looking for the man who lost their rib because that was what the bible has declared in the book of Genesis: I am the lost rib of a man. Now where is He?

Let me share to you my background so you can somehow connect with my story. Ive been a Christian for 9 years, got reached out in the singles ministry  at the age of 23 and remained single this time at the age of 31.  Undeniably,  there are more single women out there older and younger than I am who went to the same tribulation i have experienced. Before I come to know Christ I have a month long relationship with a boy friend i dated twice and then we split ways. So my experience is close to becoming a qualified member of NBSB or what is referred to as No-Boyfriend-Since -Birth. However, as a single woman i have tried dating (the unsteady ones because i never had a steady date since my first)  . In my lowest point as a single woman disciple I wallowed to worldly dating. With these experiences, i know how it feels to  appreciate and be appreciated, love and be loved by the opposite sex. In short I can  relate to the longings of every woman to have their own significant-other. My point is this, while we desire to have all women to come to a level of understanding by heart the true meaning of single women intimacy, but looking closely,  we cannot deny that we still have women around us who are still at the men-women level of understanding the single-hood intimacy. How then shall we help them come out to that level?

Now, my second point is the story of the single women around me. I cannot blame the women who are not (yet) at the level of understanding the true meaning of intimacy. I have known of women who have experienced relationship with men before knowing Christ. There are those with better stories of intimacy which could shame Mills and Boon and Harlequin romantic novels. There are those who are NBSB's who fantasized Mr. Knight of Shining Armor and wanted to have the love stories for themselves. There are women who cant live without a man in their lives.  Who doesn't want to have their man anyway? It's a natural instinct to seek ones partner. Generally, women are inclined  to find their man. You are extra-ordinarily and specially gifted if you don't. In the Philippines, we still have the culture of hooking every single person in the family to marriage. Some of us, we still get raised eyebrows for single-hood. Why are you not married? You don't have a boyfriend? and more questions like that. Two is better than one, where now is the other one?. Your children are inspirations in life, get inspired. Don't stay in your church if they cant find you a partner. Its  a commandment to go to the world and multiply, then abide by reproduction . Spinsterhood is a lonely vocation, don't apply and more statements like that.

We just cant blame these women to go berserk looking for the man who lost their ribs. We cant blame them either for not coming up with our expectations of understanding the true meaning of single women intimacy. We are diverse individuals and we came from different background we have different levels of grasping our individual convictions. The bible taught us to grow in our convictions. Even with that we have to respect the diverse process of growing. For some may grow fast but others cannot.

Even without the use of statistical method of gathering the data, we know we have a number of women who are not yet in the real conviction of what single woman intimacy is. We have it among our women. Sister, I appreciate your message so much. More than the depth of conviction it preaches, it also calls us higher to understand how to make these conviction be made within the grasp of our women. It's just time to fill in the gap of where most are (men-women intimacy) to where all should be (single woman-God intimacy). Let's help them understand why they are not yet there and help them to get where they should be.  We can't simply uproot them to where they are now if they don't have the clear picture of their present state and where they should be . For the sisters who already have this conviction of single woman intimacy in their heart, its time for us to take hold of the spirit who can guide us in helping this lesson be understandable to the level of our sisters who are still in battle to win the said conviction. I'm telling you, my battle was never easy, their battle may not be easy for them too. Lets study the uniqueness of our sisters so we can understand them. For that is the best way of expressing unselfishly our love for each other. We just cant let  them go because they don't have what we have. Lets not assume things. How we could work on the single woman-God intimacy of relationship in place of the man-woman intimacy?  This is the big question that lies ahead of us.  Its a great task, but we have a great God. Women of God may you be blessed as you bring glory to His name!

My dear brother and sisters,

I am so so sorry, just now I found out that there were comments at the lesson I posted on here more than a year and a half  wow, i am so so sorry for real... I clicked on it today because a sister  mentioned it to me so decided to go over it myself...If i can be on any help all this while after you post that comment pls let me know... my conviction still the same and would love to share more with you if you´d like it. so, how´s your walk with God going? well hope 2010 finds you well and still fighting the good fight!!

If you´d like, I´d love to hear back from you, with love in Christ, Tania.

Wow sis, I had to post part of your post talking about the woman with the alabaster jar on my facebook notes! This is absolutely amazing.. Knowing the background behind the story makes it all the more powerful. I truly pray that all are Lost in God's love.. I truly desire to be after his heart daily. Thanks again for this post.. I pray all is well with you. Are you still in Belize?